There's not much to say.

My eyes feel as though they have been crying but they haven't, not really.

Yesterday was wonderful fun. A little insane and full of Alice magic. Pancake Parlour. It's Christmas Eve and I am trying to feel something. I am not sure I will or ever.

This morning I ate two apricots from the old tree and had a cup of green tea before hanging the washing in the morning sun.

Yesterday we went to Carols by Candlelight in Williamstown, drank beer and enjoyed watching the sky turn from pale to dark. Afterwards, we wandered to the Atomic Bar and bought gin and tonics. That's over now and I am waiting for something else to start.

Oh dear, I think this may be a problem.

A few things.
I am not sure,really.
but it rained.

The seasons were once quite clear. Now everything is the same.

Finally I can say I've been to Misty's Diner, chilli cheese fries and grape soda, how so very American. Oh, and White Rabbit.

It makes me ill to know I don't know myself at all.

It makes me ill to think how little I know you, or anyone.

Once there was a girl who wanted to be in the school choir, but they wouldn't accept her, because she couldn't smile.

Today I woke up on an unfamiliar couch with a sore neck and heart. Wandering around the old suburb was strange. Things change. The last time I walked down that street I was an eight year old child. I caught the train home early, I wasn't existing. Later, Thomas and I went christmas shopping and laughed a lot about silly things, that's nice, I didn't feel so lonely. I am giving up my bad vices, because I am finding it awfully hard to live as it is. I don't care.

A lot of stuff happened, a lot of stuff didn't, a lot went unsaid.

I woke up early today. 8.29am to be specific. Not too early. I am drinking green tea. Later I am going out for lunch with Leah and Julia, with 7 dollars in my pocket. Anyone for some water?

Today I woke up at 12.30 and ate a bowl of cereal. This afternoon I ate rockmelon.

Everything happens in such a small amount of time.

I am listening to Agnes Kain almost everyday. This addiction will only last until the next one begins. It's raining outside, maybe even inside. Ever since I was little, there were days when I just needed it to rain. Today is one of them. I can't explain it, really. It's a bit like my "Secret of Roan Inish" watching, It makes me feel, less desperate, perhaps.

Despite a bed, a blanket, the curtains shut and some melancholy music, my stomach still aches, my body is shattered and my heart lies in two.

Current read; Harry Potter & the Philosophers Stone. A few years to late? No. I was just biding my time, for greater things, only to find, they never come, so just read it. Get it over with, you'll feel better.

It's christmas in the city and my heart rings like a bell!

-Go to the library, get a new card, pay fine. damn. fine.
-Meet Lisa for Milkshakes.
-Sit at the beach for any extra time which I will most surely have due to my pathetic existance.
-Perhaps, clean my room.
-Throw out all my belongings, with the exception of my books and clothes. Who needs shoes?
-Epilate my legs, or just cut them off. Save us all the trouble.


THE END

Was it all a dream? . . .

My eyes are just too heavy and lost to look at the life that is now a reality. Why couldn't we just keep sleeping and drinking and reading. Why do we always fall back on living? It sure is silly.

Rain dancing and fairy lights, champagne and a fire. we go crazy at the thought of living, but it is great, it was great and we don't forget. Skin drenched, hair flat, eyes bloodshot, free and wild, that's all we ever were, all that we were ever going to be.

Yes, well sure. Bare stomachs and dresses cut in two. Oh I blush. Oh there they go, those stars. They sparkle because they like to tease. You poor boy, so poor, you've become insane. Yes, well sure. I am sorry, do I scare thee? I never meant to dear. Even the rich are insane. Poor in their richness because they forgot, what they were or who you were. You poor stuggling boy, insane. yes, well definitly. Definite in your insanity which was always more common than you thought.

Isn't it just so awfully sad?

Well I had my breakfast in the sun this morning and it was grand. A bagel and tea are a perfect Sunday breakfast. I might walk around to Sarah's after or perhaps she'll come here and we can drink tea and make a salad. Oh! and my garden is absolutely wonderful! The carrots are large enough to eat, the broad beans are lovely and green and the beetroot is just perfect in a salad. Marvellous, I tell you.

There it is again. That sinking feeling. I guess it's got something to do with the fading sun & jealousy. Really I have nothing to be jealous about, really nothing at all.

I just want to go and lie in a field of daisies, that would be nice.

Cigarettes Killed Reality

These girls, they would go on a holiday, during the spring, to a cottage by the sea where they would sit on the grass, under the stars and drink champagne out of teacups. They would go for bike rides down to the store and buy orange juice, milk and cigarettes and talk to the old man at the corner about how he has rolled his own cigarettes since he was five. In the mornings you'd always find a girl sitting on the verandah, taking one last drag of her cigarette before breakfast, and watch the last bit of smoke fall away to nothing. The bedrooms were littered with pretty clothing and floral nightgowns and on the window sill there would be a teacup stained with tobacco and butts and the faint smell of death lingering around its rim. Dinner times were lovely and full of homemade meals, followed by tea and cake or even ice-ceam and strawberries. Some days the girls would walk into town with only their pretty pyjamas on and bare feet laced with the earth. In the Evenings before the stars came out, before the spliff was to be spliffed, the girls would play scrabble and make pots of tea laced with gin, by candlelight. Then the evening would set in and a glow would be about the house and the garden would be alight with faeries and the girls would dance among the flowers and butterflies hoping that they would never have to awaken from this dream.

There is a sadness in my stomach because I think I missed out, or actually I think I wrecked what I had.

I wrote a story in my journal last night as the day was fading into the night. It was strange and I am not sure where it came from. I am not sure where anything comes from in my head. I guess my brain is fading like everything else in this world.

Oh no! another croissant. This is dreadful. How could I succumb to the terrible over-full feeling of emptiness. Oh the irony, Oh the contradiction.

I just ate a peanut butter roll and a croissant and am making a pot of tea. Oh the wonders of food whilst eating, afterwards not so much.

Your fairy is called Gossamer Moonfly

She is the moon goddess's messenger.

She lives in spiderwebbed wonderlands and insect grottos.

She is only seen at midday under a quiet, cloudless sky.

She wears tiny black spiders on her dresses. She has beautiful blue butterfly wings.

Get your free fairy name here!

Harry the Vampire, Cam the alcoholic, Bob the skater and some cross-dressing french men. Hallow-vogue, anything can happen.

There is a late night thunder storm happening and I just want a cup of tea and someone to heal my ragged throat from too much abuse.

Just another shadow on my face.

I was just outside, enjoying the sun, which has been constant this week. I ate so many home grown carrots while I was out there and slowly, my younger years came flooding back. We used to run around under the sprinkler, picking carrots from the garden washing them with our fingers. Then the summer there was an abundance of strawberries, we'd spend all evening lying in the grass, with red faces and bare, grotty feet. The plum tree, they cut down, how many hours were spent up there? or jumping off? or climbing onto the shed roof? or getting stuck up there? Cricket in the street and melting icy-poles, hot asphalt and sea air. I always thought there were stages in life, but there aren't. It is all continuous and you don't magically grow up, you just flow with the seasons and change and never go back to grazed knees and ginger beer under the stars.

No more passing notes in class, no more sun filled lunches, sharing juice and almonds, no more skipping class, no more uniforms, no more meandering home, no more sad still silences, never will we smell the morning smoke on girls. I am not sad or regretful, just lost, that's all.

School is over and I am poor and almost 18.
oh dear what shall I do?

I am just so tired. We stayed at lol for so long drinking juice and sitting on that lovely aqua couch. Everything is disjointed and sun effected. I just wish I knew or didn't know. I think it is all in the mind and my mind is so very terrible.

They all have these little memories that are locked between the shafts of brain that convolute around and around. All I have is a generic letter and a broken brain.

I want to live on a Rainbow.

I have to go and hang the washing. I'll probably get lost looking at the sky or the borage that has grown tremendously. There is just so much, that's really just so little.

I Found a picture of Tata in the navi. When I look at old photographs I cry ever so much.

It has just rained. Little droplets are lingering on my eyelids. Sometimes I just want to close my eyes long enough to rememeber something more than words or phrases or the pain people carry in their little locked up hearts. Sparrows are on the lawn and it is green, and fresh and a little bit different from the last time I looked. It's raining again. Then it will stop. It'll continue until it decides it's had enough raining and stopping. You know what? Fuck it.

Little herbs floating in your lungs.

Today after school I just lay on the park bench for a while, then I went home.

This morning Dad bought white rolls for us. It was such a treat because we rarely ever see white bread in the house! So I made a cheese and butter role for lunch and it was so so great. I lay in the sun all lunch time and forgot that life existed. I wanted to skip art class so badly, but that sinister lady made me get up. It was terrible.

Sometimes I just hate the expressions on my face and wonder if you do too.

-Almonds
-Tea
-Ritz crackers
-Orange (peeled not cut)
-Tea
-Pizza shapes
-Sip of Aimee's Big M
-A bite of Lisa's peanut butter roll
-tea
-peanut butter roll (a whole one this time)
-savoy crackers with Vittoria's dip


Today in literature class I did no work and laughed quite a lot with Aimee and Lisa. I also fell into a sadness as I walked home. That's all, really.

This music makes my heart ache.

I sat in the sun all morning with a cup of tea and it was so lovely. Oh summer shall be marvelous!

A TOWN CALLED MELANCHOLY

It would make her happy, to be there. Warm with childhood memories, hot and long with fireflies and butterflies and dry, dry grass. The town never changed, it was her. She grew up and time changed and people changed and everything grew older than the year before and the town became known as melancholy not because it was but because she was.

sad little eyes Cecilia,
why are they so dark?
with your see-through cotton,
hands unmarked.
Flowers in your hair.
Traveling through the stars,
they never glitter for you.
Just rocks.
Rocks of time.
Why are they so dark?

I wonder all the things you have worn, eaten and all the places you have been, sat and all the times you have laughed, cried, fought, lived, died. I wonder and I don't even know you.

I applied for a job in a bookstore. I truly need money and how lovely would it be to work in a bookstore! My poverty has become a burden and if I wish to be independant then I just have to work. This a perfect opportunity.

Oh and today Sarah and I went to Williamstown and I ate a lovely salad with mixed lettuce, roasted tomato, avocado, bacon, cheese and a mustard dressing. It was mustard marvelous! I also had the most perfect Chai tea latte. They served it in a little teapot and it was real chai, not fake powder yucky stuff.

I was also feeling rebelious so I bought a Vanilla Coke after seeing the film '500 Days of Summer'.

There is a vastness tonight, Like a french song on a lonely night, that sort of thing, you know.
3 bagels and depression never did anyone any good.

There are little green leaves on the fig tree and I am eating peanut butter out of the jar.

My hands are so wrinkly and creased. I think it's a premonition of hard work to come.

The warm weather serves to remind me that all is fleeting. Memories. Meandering random streets, shorts, dresses, sweet smoke mixing with the afternoon sun. It is melancholy, but not desperate. You always feel so content and ponderous during it, afterwards it's just gone, it was always fleeting. You always knew it was, accepting that it will go, not thinking about it, just thinking about the people, warm and laughing, basking in collective contentment. Perhaps it is relentless, but it is hazy and we accept that. We accept what we love and what we hate and what we just can't fathom. I am sure today was to today but will tomorrow be tomorrow or will it be today? I truly enjoyed the day that was today and soon to be tomorrow and I really did enjoy my third McDonalds meal of the year.

Mum bought watermelon and honey dew melon and I am so happy about that. I ate the watermelon today, perhaps I will have the honey dew tomorrow. Well, after school is finished we are going away to a little cottage by the sea, where cocaine grows free and nobody wears shoes, I think that will be great. Life is so mellow right now. It is circular and hazy and with no future ahead of me I simply feel like laughing. I dislike art quite a bit, I realised what a waste of time it is. A waste of everything. What a ridiculous subject. That is a sum of nothing. I have never been that good at mathematics.

So so very sick. My mind is eating my body and that is sad. I never cared for dying, but being eaten alive, that's just horrid. Well I supose it's that fate or another, right? I have always been stupid and full of too many thoughts, half not even needed. Maybe we should all just stop pretending things matter, I think they'd all be much happier, and really it is true, stop caring and nothing matters.

Today something sad happened. I didn't feel like eating. Perhaps the world is ending.

This is what I ate today:

-Cereal
-tea
-tuna and salad roll (Rhiannon ate most of it)
-Orange and Mango prima
-Honeycomb flavoured milk
-tea
-pasta with tuna and spinich
-Salad
-tea

Is it sad that all I do is eat food, talk about food and discuss the virtues of food?

Everyone wanted to be her, how silly they all were. The sky will always change, you can be sure of that.

This afternoon I baked little apple and cinnamon teacakes and had a cup of tea.

It's over. What appeared to be the beginning of something great, was only a idiotic attempt at happiness, some sick, morbid from, that is. It is always the same, a week of fun, maybe even two if you're lucky and then it ends quite dismally. Well as they say, such is life, but I have always liked to disagree.

The sky is bare now and I feel like a little bit of me has gone. Everyday a little bit goes, until one day I wont be anything anymore. I mean, I know it happens to everyone, if it didn't we probably would never die and then we would over populate the planet, but it's the losing that is hard. The memories all fading and the journey, only to become nothing. Call it teenage angst, or whatever, but it sure is awful.

The weather is getting quite warm and right now I am starving.

Sometimes I want to hold onto a feeling, like sometimes you'll be with your friends and the weather is perfect, just a slight chill and the the air is scented with cigarettes and the sea and you just feel content. It's rare and it doesn't last and maybe it makes you sadder than you were before because there are no memories to remember, just a feeling and it is very hard to remember a feeling.

I roasted some pumpkin with spices and ate it with rice for lunch.

Mum made french toast. I love french toast, but I get bored with jam, so I made some caramalised apple and pear. Then I crumbled walnuts over the top and it was so perfect. Now I am enjoying the benefits of a nice cuppa.

Today I was nostaligic. I get like that when the seasons begin to change. It's like the memories of winter get boring and the memories of long hot summers begin to fill you with the past.
I don't Know.
I want to go to Misty's Diner. That could be fun. Mainly I want a coke float.

I walked home in the pouring rain and it was so nice.
It is clear now, but the rain always lingers a little, even after it stops.
I had a cup of tea and a piece of cake this afternoon, that was nice too.
Everything is just nice, I don't think I like that.
I don't think I like many things.
I do like the two birds who sit on the fence,
deciding whether they should fly.
That's all I like.

It would be nice if we didn't think so much,
That we would stop writing sad poetry,
that the sun would warm us in the wind,
that all the little bees would stop buzzing,
that we could all sleep a little longer than the night before,
that we had more than three cigarettes to our name,
that the earth wasn't disintergrating,
like our souls.

Today after school Sarah and I went Yarraville to see a movie.
First we ate at the Corner shop, the most delicious salad
(baby spinich, roast pumkin, pine nuts, goat cheese, olive oil, balsamic +salt/pepper)
It was such a nice salad that I plan to make it one of these days.
After we ate copious amounts of food,
we went and bought even more food from the local supermarket
(honey popcorn, marshmellow sandwiches 1 chocmilk for me 1 banana juice for Sarah)
Then we went and got our tickets to see "Coraline"
It was such a great movie, you should see it.
The End.

Well I ate too much today and that makes me feel terrible because I feel like I abused my foods trust.

It would be nice if the evenings extended a little bit more and I was tired a little bit less.

This afternoon I ate cheese and Salatas and had a Mocha. It was quite nice.
It is all nice and rainy now. That always makes me happy.

This afternoon I weeded the vegetable patch and planted carrots, onions and beetroots.
It was so lovely and then I had a green tea. What a lovely way to end the week.

I am as bitter as lemons,
I am as cold as ice,
you are quite funny,
I am just slow.

There once was a girl who liked to watch the rain. The End.

Everything swims together confusing in its swirling.

I Became a Poet

Because I created a blog. Marvellous.