she was the darkest, fucking girl. solid and well built, with eyes tilted towards the earth that were as large and as vast as the sea. a crackle to her throat and a water logged brain. her head was always in the sea. always in the fucking sea.

and then one day I disappeared.

I am sad but not because of anything anyone did or didn't do. It's like, in my bones. I am happy at times, more so than before. It's only when I can't see the truth that everything turns melancholy, like those times with dragonflies and the setting sun.

I guess I hadn't realised how much you healed me back then. You had cured me of a bitterness that I can now see wedging itself back into my life now that you're gone. You had kind of healed that spot that made me lonely and I liked that about you. I just want to say thank you, for that.

I want to yell it. I want to yell Liar, Phoney, Fraud. I want to scream it and let it bounce off the blue sky and into your eyes, turning them multi-coloured-sadness.

It's like, you only realise now that you had been looking through rose coloured glasses and that everything you thought was magic was really all in your head.

Today I made scrambled eggs with basil, mushroom, tomato, spanish onion and fresh roquette. It was lovely.

Unfortunately darling, we can't go back. I wish I could love you again but to do that would be far too painful and why would I want that? The truth is, it was a little bit nice to hate you for a while but then I got bored. I always get fucking bored.

I guess, in the end, it doesn't matter what you were or what you did.

I just wanted to save this photo somewhere before they get rid of this computer, or something.

Today after class, I went to Block Place and spent my money on lonely Gin and Tonics because they are lovely friends to have.

I just got home from work and ate some vita-weats with cheese and am drinking white tea with rose petals. Another early start for class tomorrow morning. I am not used to this! Oh dear.

I walked everywhere we used to walk and did all the things we used to do, without you. It shouldn't matter, because nothing ever did, but now it just seems too. I am tears and tired lines. Broken fragments of the past are wedged into my heart. I don't remember who I am and it's so hard to not be boring once you have become it. I don't even think I know you.

It was packing away the magic. It was forever and I couldn't bare to be alive. So I drank some wine and watched dragonflies dart about the familiar sky. I wanted to die because there would never be anything beautiful again. Nothing, truly magic. I am sorry it all died. I guess we all elected to grow up.

I wish I had gold hair, it's so deceptive.

I am just sitting here in underwear and my hair is drippping over my collar bones and I feel empty because I don't think things will ever be lovely again.

I once knew this girl. She was so pretty and thin with freckled hands and chocolate hair. She didn't really ever go outside, except in the evening to drink tea and smoke cigarettes. She lived in this old cottage with windows you couldn't see through because they were covered with books. All these boys tried to kiss her, they bought her flowers and boxes of lemon myrtle to rub on her wrists. She loved it all, ever so much.

I just want to fix myself a drink and watch Amelie. I mean, having coffee with sweet boys is fine but I just get so goddamn bored.

You look tired.
I am.
I lay down next her small body, my face mutilated. She knew not to hug me, so she placed her little hand on mine and we wept together. It didn't matter why I was sad, just that I was and that was enough, for the time being.

A packet of cigarettes and some gin in the sun. The perfect afternoon, babycakes.

Those were ironic days.

I am not sure what it is. Welling. There's too much, but without it, it's too little.

Sunbathing on the deck. Coke and whisky and the Velvet Underground.

I had red wine in the rain.