The fig trees are turning yellow. I had weetbix and tea for breakfast. I wasn't hungry but I ate.

"I will come back here, bring me back when I'm old
I want to lay here forever in the cold.
I might be cold but I'm just skin and bones
And I never love England
More than when covered in snow"

You buy yourself a furr coat, because you're sad and want to be glamorous. You run through the autumn leaves and learn how to break pretty boys hearts because they are far more pretty than you. You never quite get to be fully human because you become cold with little darling lies that never end, unlike the cigarette you just finished. Maybe that sun is false, maybe it's that cold autumn sun. Do not fret dear, because you have glasses to hide behind and a life that could be anything.

maybe one day you will wake from your sadness and find that I am dead.

I had some Earl Grey tea for breakfast this morning. I hope smokes and gifts is open, but sunday is always tainted by rest.

I have been wearing your jumper, since you forgot me.

Sometimes I forget how nice it is to see people. Sometimes I forget about the possibility of speaking.

Today I had cereal and a cup of tea for breakfast.

I feel black like the sky at that certain time, you know the one, where the pollution has covered the hopeful stars. Sometimes I wake up and life seems simple, like I can drink my cup of tea and eat my toast and feel nourished enough to survive the rest of the day on water. But then sometimes, no matter how much food you swallow, it's just never enough to satisfy. You're insatiable. Sometimes you can't satisfy that need to live, so when you're alone at home, which you mostly are, you drink your parents wine and your brothers vodka and you feel perfectly numb.

Our lungs must be soulmates,
as mine cannot breathe,
all black and smokey,
inside they seethe.

Please keep some hope,
if only for me,
we can dance. we can sing,
and drink cups of tea.

Remember my darling,
we must all die,
let's hope to god,
it's from too much sweet pie.

x

because we do things, like steal tea and roll cancers, you know.

I had a dream you were running away from me, into the sea. That was the other night. Tonight is better. Because tonight I choose not to think about earth worms.

and you're breaking up from toooooo much vodka and lemon, when you look in the mirror you see his face and you think shit fuck man. and youre thinking, wow my face is unusually rough and red and sagging and frowning and then you hear the death sound come creeping into eyes and and you become blind because all you ever knew was sadness. and you think , fuck yeah i am vulgar.

She was numb, even to the little raindrops that fell in her eyes and made her heart hazy. Even the clouds opening up and spilling their contents wasn't enough to create a beat and when the sky fell and the earth began to crumble she held out her hand and caught a dying raven, because that was all she knew. She was the girl in green with the lilac eyes and a phoney heart.

My eyes are bleary, bloodshot and smokey, I like it.

Well, I am scared I have become a burden, become boring, become a shadow on your face.

I almost stepped in front of a train today. why? because I could.

and I can't even remember my first impression of the stairs.

The days have been pleasant and I know the big sadness doesn't go away, but you can push it back somewhere for someone else this time. I have been eating lovely food, drinking wonderful wine and enjoying the cold evenings. Work is peaceful and so are my idle days in the garden. I like to be alone and I like my few genuine friends and the fleeting conversations with strangers. I filled myself up with so much of your beauty, that I forgot I could be beautiful too.

"Are you angry? Punch a pillow. Was it satisfying? Not hardly. These days people are too angry for punching. What you might try is stabbing. Take an old pillow and lay it on the front lawn. Stab it with a big pointy knife. Again and again and again. Stab hard enough for the point of the knife to go into the ground. Stab until the pillow is gone and you are just stabbing the earth again and again, as if you want to kill it for continuing to spin, as if you are getting revenge for having to live on this planet day after day, alone." - from a book, I like.