sometimes my skin feels so thick and heavy.

it's lovely when you slip into that phase of lovely convincing starlight stage performance magic and you live on strong coffee and cigarettes and wear red lipstick and sweet boys light your cigarettes for you. it's just such a darling thing.

I made a splendid minestrone soup for dinner. Oh boy I am a swell cook. The garden is starting to take shape. I have plans for herbs and sweet smelling flowers, wisteria and lemon myrtle. By summer it will be blooming and bright, just to be abandoned and turn black. How sweet and evil.

well i do so feel like buying so many bottles of alcohol, for those days where i need to pass the time. they would look so pretty all lined up in my room and they would be mine and i could have my own secret shots at midnight and it would be so nice and hazy.

and now i know why you had his name written there. i guess you do own him, because you love him, and i could never love anything. well, except you.

peachy.

i just wish i could be that happy lonesome girl again. but you can't go back. nope, nope, nope. such a dread! anyone for tea?

ginger wine, cupcakes and cookies, candy and vodka soda. time to change to gin and tonic, celery, tea and sleeping in the sun.

I feel like I will never know anyone again. Although, I probably never did. I baked some peanut butter cookies and drank peach schnapps and twirled about with smoke because I was alone in the house. I was alone and lovely.

there were little girls with wicked souls and skipping ropes and no matter how much you wanted, those blonde curls would never be yours.

oh! and I feel burning,
because I will never be good at anything.

There were things I had in mind to say, but nothing seems right to write. I had lots of tea at work today and I ate a carrot and a banana. I made a wonderful dinner. I looked for a job and wondered if anything would make me happy. Money seems vacant and I figure people think I am a bit vacant as well.

lots of things make me sad. desolate gardens, cakes that aren't baked properly, untidy bedrooms/kitchens, broken glass, cigarettes that go out, grey, clothes with holes, shoes that wear out too quickly, missing people, losing things, wasting money, eating too much, staying in bed too long, forgeting to watch the sun rise, not finishing a book, grandma, my parents, other peoples parents, selfish people, myself.

this morning i baked a carrot and berry cake. it's in oven now as i write. i am going to jump on my bicycle and take that cake over to sarah and we're going to eat it and drink tea and cry because sadness is common among humans.

today i had a million of cups of green tea at work because there was nothing else to do.

I ate a blueberry bagel with cream cheese and strawberry jam for breakfast and it was so lovely to eat and to look at. I wish I had gotten a photograph.

There once were two Cordelia's who went to strangers funerals just to laugh at those who cried. No one liked them and they liked no one and that was the way it was.

white sangria to numb the numb.